


You're not Fullmetal, Fullmetal's not Xingese

by redshadowalchemist



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Edward Elric Is A Little Shit, Gen, Humor, Inspired by The Office, so is Ling Yao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:28:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26109451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redshadowalchemist/pseuds/redshadowalchemist
Summary: Roy Mustang is sure Edward Elric wasn't Xingese yesterday...Inspired by that scene from the Office where Jim's Asian friend impersonates him and tries to convince Dwight Jim has always been Asian.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 70





	You're not Fullmetal, Fullmetal's not Xingese

**Author's Note:**

> Silly. I've not written crack before so there was an attempt. I wrote something similar to this a few years ago but can't remember if I ever published it anywhere.

Colonel Roy Mustang was not a morning person he breezed past his subordinates to get to his office he noted that Havoc was smoking,despite it not being allowed in military buildings, Falman listening to the radio, Breda and Fury were writing something or other, hopefully important and Fullmetal was rewriting that report Roy saw his dark hair as he leaned down to focus on choosing his words.

Wait, dark hair?

“Who are you?” Roy asked the boy who looked up at him. It was not Fullmetal, it was some Xingese boy wearing Fullmetal’s usual red coat and leather pants, his dark hair plaited in the style Fullmetal favoured.

“Who am I?" the boy frowned as if Roy were the weirdo in this situation, not the strange interloper dressed as the famous Fullmetal alchemist, if he was a spy he was a pretty poor one, everyone knew what Fullmetal looked like. "I’m Edward Elric the Fullmetal alchemist?” on seeing Roy's blank face he continued “we’ve known each other for 4 years now. Weird joke Colonel bastard.” 

“You’re not Fullmetal. Fullmetal's not Xingese." Roy continued, hoping against hope his team had a strategic reason for not challenging him earlier, surely they had to have realized this was an interloper. 

“You seriously never noticed? Hey hats off to you for not seeing race" not-Edward said cheerfully.

“Alright then Ed why don’t you tell me about that report I’m making you rewrite?” Roy challenged.

“You mean the Liore case?" he asked "Well its very simple there was a preacher called Father Cornello who was using some kind of fake philosophers stone to perform so called miracles. Al rigged up some broadcasting equipment to make him damn himself then it was pretty simple. Al and I sorted it out soon enough. You're making me rewrite it because when I was going through old reports looking for clues about the philosopher's stone I spilled water on them. I mean come on who is going to see them? They were already filed. It's just unecessarily vindictive to make me rewrite it."

The Xingese boy opened Fullmetal's report from yesterday.

"No" Roy said shutting it again nearly on the Xingese boy's gloved hand "that is classifie information for members of the Amestrian military only."

“Come on Colonel bastard. I’m trying to file my mission report so I can get back to the library.”

“You don’t have a mission report you are not Fullmetal. He's not Xingese...also he's much shorter."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE'D GET SQUASHED BY AN ANT?" the Xingese boy shouted flailing his arms around, in an admittedly pretty good imitation of the real Fullmetal.

"Not you. Because you are not Fullmetal" he repeated feeling rather frustrated at this point.

To Mustang's dismay his own team were staring at him as if concerned.  
"Um chief are you feeling OK?" Havoc asks.

Before Roy can answer Alphonse Elric comes bounding in, and given he is a seven foot tall suit of armour that is an unnerving sight.

“Brother” Alphonse says happily fixing the holes in the helmet which pass for his eyes on the imposter “I found that book you were looking for it had been misfiled.” 

“Great be there in a minute” the Xingese boy said scribbling something down quickly and handing it to Roy. 

"Here my report, rewritten, can I go now Colonel Bastard?" 

“Not until you tell me who you are and where the real Fullmetal is."

“Colonel Mustang sir, Major Elric sir” Hawkeye saluted as she entered the room then seeing Roy she said "are you feeling alright Colonel?"

It is at this point Roy see's a photograph on Havoc's desk. It is from the lieutenant's last birthday party. He hadn't been able to go (some General's cocktail party, he'd have rather gone to Jean's birthday but moving up in the ranks was more important in the long run, even Jean understood), but the photograph, it was exactly the same as it had been for the past three weeks since Havoc put it on his desk. Except instead of the gold haired Edward Elric, the Xingese boy stood in his place.

“I think I might need to go and lie down.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So where's Ed?" Riza asked when Roy was gone.

"Brother's at the dentist and Ling is a friend of ours" Alphonse explains.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why Alphonse and Riza are going along with the prank. Maybe Ed bribed Alphonse with a visit to an animal shelter to pet cats and Riza is presumably annoyed at Roy for something. I like to think talking round the rest of the team was easy though.
> 
> In my mind Maes Hughes took the new picture with Ling replacing Ed.


End file.
